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FAKEGRIMLOCK’s Five Things He No Want See At CES ’13

As part of our CES ’13 coverage, FAKEGRIMLOCK will be guest blogging and doing some videos from the show floor in Las Vegas. Never heard of FG? Shame on you. Here’s one article you can read and another and another. He is unrelenting, unapologetic and brutally honest…perfect to anchor Dyn’s first appearance at CES ’13 in years.

Without further adieu…

ME, FAKEGRIMLOCK, MOST FAMOUS STARTUP ROBOT DINOSAUR IN UNIVERSE, AT PUNY CES. ME HERE FOR FIND GREATEST NEW TECH.

BUT ME KNOW PROBABLY FIND LOTS OF NOT GREAT TECH. ME SPORTING DINO, DO EXHIBITORS FAVOR. HERE FIVE THINGS ME NO WANT SEE AT CES.

IF THIS WHAT YOU BRING, HAVE LESS THAN 24 HOURS TO PACK UP, RUN FOR LIFE.

THING 1: RANDOM CRAP + PHONE

FAKE GRIMLOCK CES 13

ME REVEAL BIG SECRET ABOUT INNOVATION.

TAKE PHONE, GLUE NOT PHONE TO IT?

ZERO INNOVATION.

IF BEST IDEA LESS INTERESTING THAN GIVE HUMAN SPAWN ROLL OF DUCT TAPE, YOU IN WRONG BUSINESS. GO INTO LESS CREATIVE FIELD, LIKE WATCH ROCKS DRY.

THING 2: BAD TABLETS

WHEN MOST INTERESTING THING LEFT DO WITH TABLET IS MAKE 3″ SMALLER, NOTHING INTERESTING LEFT FOR DO WITH TABLETS.

IF PLAN IS “WHATEVER APPLE DO, BUT LESS GOOD, IN DIFFERENT SIZE”, ME HAVE SUGGESTION. TAKE  BUDGET. PUT IN SLOT MACHINE.

IT LOTS MORE EFFICIENT WAY TO WASTE MONEY.

THING 3: TV ANYTHING

TV LIKE HAMMER. NO ONE WANT USE INTERNET ON IT.

TV SUCCESS BECAUSE SIMPLE. TURN ON. PICK THING. WATCH.

ANYONE CAN USE, EVEN MOST HUMANS.

NEW TV OPPOSITE OF SIMPLE? THEN IT OPPOSITE OF SOMETHING ELSE. SUCCESS.

THING 4: WEARABLE DUMB STUFF

THERE ONE PERSON WANT MORE TECH ON BODY. GUY THAT THINK TALK INTO EARPIECE WHILE WAVE FITNESS BRACELET AROUND NOT MAKE HIM BIG ENOUGH DOUCHEBAG.

IT SURPRISINGLY SMALL DEMOGRAPHIC.

DAY THAT START WITH REMEMBER WHICH SHOES TALK TO WHICH HAT COMPATIBLE WITH WHICH SCREEN BOLTED ONTO FOREHEAD IS DAY NO ONE LOOK FORWARD TO.

STOP GOING THERE.

THING 5: 3D EXCEPT PRINTERS

ME SAY 3D KIND OF LIKE VOMIT.

NOT MANY THINGS GET BETTER WHEN ADD THAT TO THEM.

MOVIES, GAMES, TVS, TOASTERS, WATCHES, AUTOMATIC PANCAKE MAKING MACHINES. FOR ALL OF THEM 3D JUST CODE FOR “CHARGE MORONS MORE FOR WORSE PRODUCT”.

MAYBE THAT WORK OK IN CABLE NEWS INDUSTRY. IN TECH, IT JUST MAKE YOU FAIL.

IF YOU ONE OF THOSE THINGS ABOVE, ME SUGGEST LEAVE NOW, BEFORE ME, FAKEGRIMLOCK, FIND YOU.  IT NOT GOING TO BE PRETTY.

Follow along with Dyn’s coverage of CES ’13 all week long at Dyn.com featuring the talents of FAKEGRIMLOCK, Ryan O’Hara and John Zahr.
…like these PSAs:

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Whois: FAKEGRIMLOCK

FAKEGRIMLOCK MOST FAMOUS STARTUP ROBOT DINOSAUR IN UNIVERSE. ME ATTEND CES FOR DYN. FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER IF NEED KNOW MORE THINGS.