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CES ’13 Coverage: HOW TO CES LIKE FAKEGRIMLOCK

Internet sensation FAKEGRIMLOCK is anchoring our coverage of CES ’13 from Las Vegas. Here’s his latest transmission somewhere from Sin City. All views are covered via Creative Commons license and are his opinions, not ours. I mean, we couldn’t begin to understand the thought process of a robot dinosaur.

ME, FAKEGRIMLOCK, HERE AT CES 2013 WITH HELP FROM AWESOME INFRASTRUCTURE STARTUP DYN. THEM SMART HUMANS! ME SHOW THEM HOW TO CES RIGHT.

BUT NO KEEP IT SECRET. ME SHARE HOW TO CES WITH WHOLE WORLD!

CES 13 - Fake Grimlock

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VEGAS AND SPAM? NOTHING.

VEGAS

THERE NO WAY AVOID VEGAS IF GO TO CES. IT LIKE EAT TWINKIE. TO GET CREAMY FILLING, HAVE TO GO THROUGH STALE, BAD TASTING ARTIFICIAL SUBSTANCE THAT PROBABLY GIVE YOU CANCER.

EXCEPT WORSE.

RIGHT WAY TO VEGAS AT CES IS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. GO STRAIGHT FROM HOTEL TO CES, NO SIDE QUESTS.

IT ONE PLACE WHERE KEEP EYES ON PHONE WHILE WALK LEGITIMATE SELF DEFENSE INSTEAD OF JUST MAKE YOU IDIOT HIPSTER.

CES 13 - Chair

LINE FOR THIS CHAIR ALREADY HAVE 200 PEOPLE IN IT

FEET

BE NICE TO FEET AT CES. BY END OF IT THEM HATE YOU.

ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO AT CES ALWAYS 20 MINUTE WALK AWAY, AND HAVE GIANT LINE. EVEN IF IT RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.

THERE ALSO 1 CHAIR FOR EVERY 300 PEOPLE AT CES. THIS REAL REASON ANYONE PAY FOR SESSIONS. THEM NOT VERY INTERESTING, BUT THAT WHERE ALL THE CHAIRS ARE.

RIGHT WAY TO CES IS GOOD SHOES, EAT AND PEE AT HOTEL, IF SEE OPEN CHAIR GRAB BEFORE ANYONE ELSE GET IT.

CES 13 - Phone

AT CES, PHONES FIGHT TO DEATH IN THE AREA OF BLOOD.

PHONES

MOBILE IS MOST IMPORTANT INNOVATION FOR ENTIRE ELECTRONICS INDUSTRY AT CES.

WAY THAT PHONE ALMOST USELESS THERE SHOW KIND OF CAREFUL PLANNING THAT GO INTO CES.

SIGNAL FAIL CONSTANTLY. NO WIRELESS ANYWHERE. NO PLACE TO CHARGE. IT LIKE TRAVEL BACK TO ANCIENT TIMES BEFORE PHONES MATTER, LIKE 2008.

RIGHT WAY TO CES IS GIVE UP ON USE PHONE FOR ANYTHING BUT PHOTOS.

CES 13 - Pic

THIS GUY DOING IT WRONG

SUITS

CES NOT FOR COOL STARTUP PEOPLE. THAT JUST PR. IT REALLY FOR OLD DUDES IN SUITS THAT WRITE CHECKS FOR 50,000 CRAPPY IPHONE CASES.

USE THIS TO ADVANTAGE. MOST BOOTH, ESPECIALLY IF FROM FAR AWAY PLACE, ASSUME ANYONE IN SUIT INTERESTING AND IMPORTANT. EVEN IF THAT PERSON YOU.

DRESS IN SUIT GET YOU LOTS BETTER TREATED AT CES THAN DRESS LIKE HOT TOPIC CLEARANCE SALE FELL ON YOU.

RIGHT WAY TO CES IS DRESS NICE, PRETEND YOU CARE ABOUT PRODUCTS, GET SWAG.

CES Booth Babe

HOW MUCH HER WANT TO TALK TO YOU? ZERO

BOOTH BABES

NOT EVERYTHING AT CES TWO YEARS BEHIND. SOME THINGS 30 YEARS BEHIND.

RIGHT WAY TO CES IS IGNORE ANYONE THAT TRY TO TRADE PRETEND TO ENJOY YOU STARING AT THEM FOR YOU PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT SALES PITCH.

CES 12 - Guy

THIS GUY: NOT INTERESTING

THE ACTION

LIKE SXSW, ANYTHING EVERYONE ELSE LOOKING AT PROBABLY BORING AND STUPID.

REAL STUFF NOT IN CROWD. IT ON EDGE.

LOOK FOR BOOTH NO SELLING CASE, HEADPHONE, OR BAG. THERE AT LEAST 3 OR 4 OF THEM.

CHECK PEOPLE AT BOOTH. IF NORMAL HUMANS, NOT SALES DRONES, TALK TO THEM.

SOMETIMES THEM TURN OUT TO BE INTERESTING.

TALK TO ENOUGH INTERESTING HUMANS, GET INVITED TO INTERESTING EVENT. THAT WHERE ACTION HAPPEN. USUALLY RIGHT AFTER BEER HAPPEN.

RIGHT WAY TO CES IS FIND REAL PEOPLE DOING REAL THINGS. HAVE REAL CONVERSATION.

CES 13 - ROH

PARTIED WITH GRIMLOCK. SURVIVED.

PARTIES

THERE LOTS OF GOOD PARTIES AT CES.

RIGHT WAY TO CES IS GO TO THEM.

THAT HOW TO CES LIKE FAKEGRIMLOCK! NEXT TIME YOU DO IT RIGHT.


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Whois: FAKEGRIMLOCK

FAKEGRIMLOCK MOST FAMOUS STARTUP ROBOT DINOSAUR IN UNIVERSE. ME ATTEND CES FOR DYN. FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER IF NEED KNOW MORE THINGS.